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August 23, 2010

FROM THE EMAIL:

CATAGORIES: HUMOR — Yarbz @ 7:37 am

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. “Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. “First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did. “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did. “Now we eat everybody.” And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
(more…)

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August 16, 2010

SINCE I HAVE NOT SEEN THIS TAKE ON THE OBAMA POSTER, I DECIDED I’D MAKE IT THIS MORNING. SIMPLE. ACCURATE. BRILLIANT. DOH!

After I made this and posted it, I found THIS! and THIS! But I didn’t see one like I made…

And I just finished making this in a size large enough to put on a shirt:

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August 13, 2010

FRUMMENZEE EMAELZ:

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious…So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini.” Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini,” and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.” The robot leans in real close and says,
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August 3, 2010

COULD WEST HARTFORD BE THE WILD DICK DANGLING NUDE MAN COP ZAPPING CAPITOL OF CONNECTICUT?

August 2, 2010

This one’s for Spazticus

CATAGORIES: BEER WINE SPIRITS & SUBSTANCES,GENERAL NONSENSE,HUMOR — FloridaBill @ 2:18 pm

I read this and thought about you…

10 ways your toddler is like a drunk:

1. Mumbles in complete gibberish.
2. Gets louder when she doesn’t get her way.
3. Start fights if you tell her to behave.
4. Food never quite makes it to her mouth.
5. Falls over every five seconds.
6. Holds on to any poll-like structure.
7. Waves to all random strangers.
8. Pees and poops herself without any guilt.
9. Always tries to make it to your bed.
10. Has no concept of how late it is.

July 27, 2010

PHOTO SLIDESHOW OF NOTE FROM MSNBC WHICH THEY GOT FROM AWKWARDFAMILYPHOTOS.COM WHICH HAS SOME VERY STRANGE FAMILY PHOTOS BUT NEEDS REDESIGNING:

Click on the pic for the MSNBC slideshow:

July 23, 2010

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? HUH?

“…Investigators said the wife lay down on the bed and Lonnie Pinnix shot her in the back with the toilet paper ammunition when she refused his demands to get back up…”
Click Quote for Whole Story.

Does this mean that when I wipe my butt I am assaulting my sphincter with a deadly weapon?

July 6, 2010

ADVERTISEMENTS THAT MAKE YOU THINK WE HAVE ACTUALLY IMPROVED AS A SOCIETY… IMAGINE THAT!!!

Stolen from www.foxnews.com

From my e-mail…

CATAGORIES: FASCINATING,GENERAL NONSENSE,HUMOR — FloridaBill @ 7:44 am

Things you should know, but probably don’t:

1. Money isn’t made out of paper. It’s made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter ‘i’ is called a ‘tittle’.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The ‘spot’ on 7-UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830′s as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named ‘upper’ and ‘lower’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the ‘upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.

17. Leonardo DaVinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multitasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo DaVinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween ‘ was a Captain Kirk’s mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. (good to know)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand. (and you thought this list was completely useless)

27. The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It’s the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32 Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart. ‘Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. OJ Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE WOMAN in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail’.

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