Those Pesky Christians
Well they seem to have found a new way to annoy me. By phone! Over the past few weeks I have recieved no less than 3 phone calls from people (on behalf of their church) calling to give me an inspriational message. One called today and left a 3 minute freaking voice message (as I wasn’t home) telling me how blessed I was and here’s an inspirational message from the bible blah blah blah.
I have been wondering just how I could have fun with this and I think I have hit upon it. The next time, I believe I will first say that, “Of course I will listen to your message…just show me the same consideration after you have finished please.” After I listen patiently, I will then give a sermon that will go something like this:In the bible, in the book of Genesis, God removes Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden. Their offense? Listening to Satan and eating from the tree of knowledge. Now let’s just assume that we are taking this literally. God DID NOT want man to have knowledge…he wished to keep them in the dark…ignorant and unknowing. Satan on the other hand, wished for man to “know” and to be able to make his own decisions instead of being treated like a mushroom or a slightly stupid pet (much like my latest dog who seems to border on slight retardation at times). Now…let’s also consider that God kills and tortures people. All the time in the bible for many different infractions…some as small as drinking from a river without using hands to first scoop the water. These poor people weren’t aware that God preferred them to drink that way and were just thirsty…but God commanded them to be killed. On a side note…I find it amazing that he would kill someone for drinking that way but never seemed to have a problem with people wiping their asses with their hand…but that’s a different rant : ) Now..WHERE in the bilble has Satan EVER killed or ordered anyone to be killed? Where? It seems that Satan basically just wants people to enjoy themselves and stop living in a world of guilt. Killing seems to be exclusively God’s domain. God also tortures his loyal followers for no other reason than for a bet…just look at poor Job. God “suppossedly” has all this power, yet does nothing to change the plight of the suffering of the starving children around the world…maybe it’s just alot of talk and braggary and God REALLY doesn’t have all this power he boasts of. I’ve never heard Satan claim to have this kind of power and then not use it. God also demands blind, unquestioning acceptance and obedience. The penalty for not? Well…you know the answer for that. I therefore put forth to you that Satan is actually the good guy…and God is the villian…we are just getting one side of the story…much like “Pravda” of the old USSR. HAIL SATAN!
I wonder how that will go over? heh heh heh
12 Responses to “Those Pesky Christians”
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January 24th, 2007 at 8:45 am
Like a led balloon. I am certain that the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and a couple of Juggerheads, would agree with some of your analysis.
My thing is that betting against God isn’t a good wager. You find out if you wrong or not too late. However, I don’t go to church, condemn evangelicals and religious zealots as the scum of the planet and have a hard time with any organized religion, especially the ones who place phone calls to my answering machine. Fucktards.
January 24th, 2007 at 8:58 am
A pushy fundamentalist Baptist woman I didn’t know came to my house early one Saturday (Mistake #1). Her two daughters (older than my child) rode the same school bus as my child. They came by wanting to take my child to her church (Mistake #2). I politely declined, but the woman was insistent (Mistake #3). I came *this close* to telling that I was a pagan and the child was heathen. Instead, I told her I was a Methodist (my letter is at a Methodist church, so I can say that!) and she finally took the hint and left.
January 24th, 2007 at 9:28 am
You exhibited more control than I would have (and I suspect Mr. ZappaCrappa would have too).
January 24th, 2007 at 10:36 am
Amen, ZC!!!! As the Jugg evangelical atheist and devout hedonist, I am in full support of the ZappaCrappa Doctrine.
I feel philosophical text are far more useful than Organized Religion in order to life a fulfilling life: check out:
http://www.epicurus.net/en/principal.html
and also check out anything on Tao and tibetan buddhism.
I think I have the anitchristian aura around my little world, because no one ever bothers me regarding Sleesus, church-going, etc. Perhaps they view me as an agent of Satan.
Epicurean principle:
“2. Death is nothing to us; for that which has been dissolved into its elements experiences no sensations, and that which has no sensation is nothing to us.”
January 24th, 2007 at 10:41 am
LOL…I think you should have told her you were a pagen myself Geekess. I always like to see the reaction.
AND FB…I’ve only gotten one message left on the machine…I was here and physiclaly talked to the other 2.
Religion must be BIG business here. I get little mailings (and usually VERY expensive ones) in the mail ALL the time inviting me to attend this mega-church or that mega-church. The last one I got, I looked at my wife and said, “Gee…I wonder how many people they could help with these dollars that really need help instead of spending all this money on these expensive mass mailings trying to increase their membership to increase their collections?”
January 24th, 2007 at 10:47 am
It is always about the money.
January 24th, 2007 at 11:18 am
No doubt there.
January 24th, 2007 at 11:19 am
Speaking of religion, Where the fuck has our BlordLord been? I must contact him to determine the status of his condition or the condition of his status.
January 24th, 2007 at 11:19 am
So how does one go about becoming a member of Feste’s Church of Evangelical Athiests? I’m already a proven hedonist and I think I probably fit all the criteria : )
January 24th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
First, you must pledge all of your material possessions to me. Then, you travel to Connecticut to be annointed by the Feste and blessed with his mere presence. Then, the ritual calls for gurgling water horns and mass quantities of fermented hops and grains to be consumed at the at the BlogCastle, finally, you can either be annointed in the unsacred sleestak blood filled waters of the Blog Pool, or travel north to Vermont and be un-baptized under some Tibetan Prayer flags on the grounds of a former pervert’s mountain retreat.
The first part is the most important step.
January 24th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
FB is right on. Except for that first part….I may have to send some of the home visit people over to the midwest to get the story straight. All assets are transferable to the Church of Evangelical Athiests, Inc.
January 25th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
Right, in care of me.